Reflections

So I'd like to take this time to reflect on this year.

I entered 2008 with college essays trailing off my feet, emerging out of my room mentally battered and delirious. But I was done with applications and that was all that mattered to me. I put my best foot forward for all those mighty colleges to judge, and I could do no more.

As the year started to move, everything started to change. I got increasingly caught up in the election. I watched Hillary take a blow (and blow after blow) and Obama rise to prominence. I was extremely skeptical of Obama, and I was angry.

I continued on with my schoolwork, with my science research, not succumbing to senioritis just yet. After all there was still hope. At the time that is.

But despite my work, my happiness escalated. I was having the time of my life, as were my friends. We went out and did spontaneous things and it was fun and memorable and all of it--I loved it all.

And then disappointment struck... for everyone. Rejections here and there. I found myself in the dismal position of having the last bit of hope I had collapse in my heart. But I convinced myself that I could still be happy, and it seemed plausible at the time.

But there was more. My research came to no fruition, and as if hope was my immune system without it I easily fell ill with senioritis. I wanted to continue on, but I had to drag my mind and body over every finish line, my only energy coming from the prospect of being perfectly happy with my friends after all of it was done.

And when it was done, it was blissful. Everything was carefree and I was very much in love with my life, with my friends, with everything. I had issues at work, and I often found myself furious, but in the end it didn't matter and I didn't care. I was having too good of a time.

Then it ended. Everyone parted ways. But I was excited. I was revitalized. I wanted to take on this new chapter of my life. I wanted to start college.

After all, I had all those fanciful visions of myself. Socializing. Succeeding. Oh, I was to have a wonderful time. But it didn't turn out that way. I found myself alone, lonely, lost. Meanwhile, I heard tales of my friends, now far away, seemingly so happy. And I wondered why I was not the same.

I started to fail. Any sense of belonging in Boston started to fail. The economy also started to fail, and after a long time the election finally took a decisive turn. And I threw my preference towards Obama, towards hope perhaps, but certainly against McCain, or more specifically, against Palin and against the possibility of another backwards presidency.

And in the dark, forced down to my knees, I started to grope for any form of support. I found a few friends, and I was happy with what I had, but there were times when I wondered if loneliness would be better... if only loneliness wasn't what sparked my thoughts in the first place.

So I spent the rest of the year in limbo, swinging dangerously between moods, between thoughts, hanging on only with the hope that my decisions will finally lead me towards a life I can be truly happy with.

And so it ends. I look back at my resolutions and I wonder how to judge myself. Be happy, appreciate, live. I was happy. I did appreciate. I certainly lived.

But I can't say it lasted. And unfortunately, as much as I hate to admit it, I suppose that's how 2008 is going to end for me. Such a shame.

A dismal end to an otherwise memorable and historical year.

Twilight

Okay, so I finally saw the movie. Loo and I went for the sheer purpose of "staying informed" since she too is plagued by the cries of hardcore fangirls. And I must admit...

It was everything I expected it to be.

And much less.

But it's great because now I feel that my criticisms are justified. Book fans, I hope for your sake that the movie was not an accurate depiction, lest people think that you've lost your wits.

Oh, too late. Oops.

Okay, okay. I'm done being mean. But seriously, I still can't understand why people think Twilight (at least the movie) is so great.

Is it Rob Pattinson? Because honestly, I didn't find him all that attractive in the movie. In some of the promo pics? Yeah okay, maybe. But I've always found him very scruffy-looking, even in this movie.

The character Edward Cullen? I had to stop myself from laughing during the movie because he seems like such a creeper. "I like to watch you sleep." Haha. Oh, and the sparkly skin was great too.

The storyline? Um, what story? Girl moves to new place. Guy lives in said place. Guy acts weird. Girl is weirded out. Guy happens to be drawn to her. Girl suddenly (and by "suddenly" I do really mean "all of a sudden") gets drawn to him. Oh and then evil shows up, evil is defeated. And there you go.

I mean, seriously? I can make fun of how cliche the characters' names are, but that would be too easy. I hope the actors really do just suck because if not, the characters themselves really are just two-dimensional. Neither has much personality. Bella is this clumsy, emo child with no talents at all. Edward is supposed to be this suave, charming person who for no real reason is drawn to Bella. And therefore, it's even less comprehensible why Bella falls in love with Edward in the first place! Even the conflict in the story is horribly boring. James wants Bella. James hunts Bella. The Cullens kill James. Wow. How utterly utterly exciting.

I at least expected the cinemotography to be good, but I found it mediocre. I was also getting dizzy as I was watching, but I'm going to blame that on the small theatre in which I watched it in an admittedly poor attempt to not be a complete bitch about this. But seriously, I'm sad to report that Catherine Hardwicke's recognition from having the biggest opening ever for a female director truly is undeserved, the product of an already loyal fanbase and not a true testament of her skill.

But in an attempt to be positive, first I must say that I found the character Alice to be quite delightful. Second, in terms of eye candy, I think I enjoyed the character Carlisle the most. And third, I really did find the natural beauty of Washington to be quite captivating.

Other than that though I can't say much else. I would say that I'm disappointed in the movie, but my expectations already were at rock bottom.

Okay, okay. That's all, I promise. I sincerely apologize. I'm done being mean. For real this time.

Christmas Tidings

So when I came home from Boston to find a real tree in my living room, I almost cried. It was round and full, peppered with red and silver ornaments and strung with lights that continuously blinked throughout the night.

I was so surprised. I don't think I ever had a real tree before. As I child I used to singlehandedly set up a little fake one, and then as I grew older I got lazy and nothing got put up.

But this year... I thought this year might be different. There was snow outside. The tree was pretty. My parents actually liked to plug in the lights at night. There were presents sitting under the tree, creating an iconic image that just seemed right.

But when I woke up today, I walked into the living room and looked out the large windows. The yard was bare. The sun was bright and the snow had completely melted (not that I expected any of it to remain after yesterday's rain, but it was a bit disappointing). Looking away, we then proceeded to open our gifts, but as I tore open the wrapping paper, I wasn't consumed by joy. Suddenly, time seemed slow and sluggish. I looked at my gifts. I liked them, but I didn't feel appreciative. And I didn't feel like anyone else felt appreciative of his or her gifts either.

So just like that, the holiday illusion shattered. And it didn't feel like Christmas anymore.

I did have family over, but only my mother's sister's family came and not my mother's brother's family, and so it was a lot more low-key. It was fun, and the food was good, but there was less excitement than usual and it seemed obvious to me.

After everyone had left, alone I thought back to what ignited this holiday spirit in the first place.

Then I reached behind the tree and unplugged the lights from the wall.

Pitied and Saved

I got a B minus.

I GOT A B MINUS!

THANK YOU GOD.

Though my professor sent me an e-mail questioning my intent of being a physics major... I know--it annoyed me of course--but I tried to stay classy. I thanked him and told him that I already realized that it wasn't a possibility. Yeah, it sort of felt like I was admitting defeat, and in a sense it was, but I'm just glad I managed to come out with my pride [and scholarship] intact. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it, but at the same time, I refused to drop the class and quit.

But I'm definitely glad it's over. Overall, that was definitely the most pitiful experience of my life.

Bane of My Existence

Physics finals are graded.

I got a 62... out of 125.

And that's WITH the curve.

Without it would be 68 out of 150.

The median score was 105 out of 125.

I don't know how I'm going to pass this class.

EFF. MY. LIFE.

Nepotism

Welcome to the Family Business?

An interesting article worth reading.

Yes, I admit that I might be biased against Ms. Kennedy. But the other Kennedys' encouragement based on their desire to remain a presence in the Senate is really turning this into a case of nepotism.

And from experience, nepotism is one of the things I hate most.

FREEDOM

This morning I took my physics final.

Ergo, I'm officially done with physics and with science in general!

I failed it for sure but I don't feel bad. I did try my best, and that may be why I don't feel bad, but I do wonder if it's because I resigned myself to my fate sometime within the last 24 hours or so (I studied, but maybe not as hard as I thought I did).

But anyway, the important thing is that I'm done! It's over! I made it! Physics, haunt me no more!

And sure, I had a very crappy bus ride home as usual (though it was nothing compared to the day I went back after Thanksgiving break), but I came back with my cousin Saa which was nice. She just finished her finals this morning too, and so we were both able to rejoice in the fact that we were finally free.

And it was wonderful. Freedom has never felt so good before.

America's Princess?

Caroline Kennedy Is Seeking Seat Held by Clinton

Okay, I don't know what this woman has done, but personally, I think that's the problem.

I don't really believe in what she's doing. I don't believe that she can insist on staying out of politics and then suddenly show an interest in becoming a senator, or if she does actually have a genuine interest that she can become one without running for the position.

I think she's taking advantage of the fact that the seat was vacated by Hillary (of all people). I think she's taking advantage of Gov. Patterson's need to appoint a person he can be reelected with. I think she's taking advantage of her namesake.

In other words, I don't think this is right. I understand she's a Kennedy. I understand that she's a good person and won't be corrupt or anything like that. But to appoint a person with no real political experience to such a high post is preposterous (even Obama earned his positions). Were it not for her name, she would never even have been considered for this post.

And maybe it's just because I'm too young to appreciate the Kennedy namesake, but I could care less if the Senate would be left Kennedy-less. If she really is the most qualified candidate then let her have it. But if not, I hope New Yorkers will be smart enough to realize what's happening and to make their voices heard.

Of All Days

Three papers due today and physics homework due tomorrow.

Two all-nighters in a row.

One overall bad day.

All I wanted was a little peace.

All I wanted was some sleep.

All I wanted... I just didn't want this.

I'm so ungrateful.

Stomach Bug

So to be honest, I haven't been feeling very well since I got back on Sunday. I've lost my appetite somewhat (or at least I feel nauseated after I eat), I've been having some level of abdominal discomfort, and my stomach is making the loudest noises.

I've tried to control my diet over the past few days and recall what I've been eating, but the only reason as to why I'm not feeling well that I could think of was that I wasn't used to the dining hall food again and/or the crappy bus ride on Sunday got me sick.

When I did some online research, I wasn't liking what I was finding. (Tapeworm, in particular, disgusts me to no end. If you want to google them on your own time go ahead, but I couldn't bring myself to post a link of those impossibly long parasites.)

So to make sure it wasn't anything serious, I decided to take a trip to Student Health Services today. It turned out to be a stomach virus, even though I'm not throwing up or anything. I guess I'm just reacting to it differently than everyone else. Either way, I'm already feeling a little better, whether that's actually due to the visit or to the fact that I waited four days to get it checked out.

Whatever, as long as it's not a tapeworm... blegh.

Change of Heart

So I was at the FreeP until 2 last night... except I'm not as annoyed about it as I thought I would be.

In fact, I'm actually pretty glad to be back in general. It's strange considering how desperate I was to get out of Boston.

But I don't know why that is. Maybe everyone was just really anxious to get home before break, myself included. People just seemed so sick of school and others who weren't able to go home were just upset and irritated... not that they didn't have a right to be, but I didn't enjoy all that "negative energy" that was polluting the air.

Except... as happy as I was to finally see my home friends again, by the end I was really quite disappointed. And then, when I came back, it was like my expectations were once again met with the complete opposite outcome.

The tolerable became intolerable. The intolerable became tolerable. I couldn't understand why...

But I'm not complaining.