Reflections

So I'd like to take this time to reflect on this year.

I entered 2008 with college essays trailing off my feet, emerging out of my room mentally battered and delirious. But I was done with applications and that was all that mattered to me. I put my best foot forward for all those mighty colleges to judge, and I could do no more.

As the year started to move, everything started to change. I got increasingly caught up in the election. I watched Hillary take a blow (and blow after blow) and Obama rise to prominence. I was extremely skeptical of Obama, and I was angry.

I continued on with my schoolwork, with my science research, not succumbing to senioritis just yet. After all there was still hope. At the time that is.

But despite my work, my happiness escalated. I was having the time of my life, as were my friends. We went out and did spontaneous things and it was fun and memorable and all of it--I loved it all.

And then disappointment struck... for everyone. Rejections here and there. I found myself in the dismal position of having the last bit of hope I had collapse in my heart. But I convinced myself that I could still be happy, and it seemed plausible at the time.

But there was more. My research came to no fruition, and as if hope was my immune system without it I easily fell ill with senioritis. I wanted to continue on, but I had to drag my mind and body over every finish line, my only energy coming from the prospect of being perfectly happy with my friends after all of it was done.

And when it was done, it was blissful. Everything was carefree and I was very much in love with my life, with my friends, with everything. I had issues at work, and I often found myself furious, but in the end it didn't matter and I didn't care. I was having too good of a time.

Then it ended. Everyone parted ways. But I was excited. I was revitalized. I wanted to take on this new chapter of my life. I wanted to start college.

After all, I had all those fanciful visions of myself. Socializing. Succeeding. Oh, I was to have a wonderful time. But it didn't turn out that way. I found myself alone, lonely, lost. Meanwhile, I heard tales of my friends, now far away, seemingly so happy. And I wondered why I was not the same.

I started to fail. Any sense of belonging in Boston started to fail. The economy also started to fail, and after a long time the election finally took a decisive turn. And I threw my preference towards Obama, towards hope perhaps, but certainly against McCain, or more specifically, against Palin and against the possibility of another backwards presidency.

And in the dark, forced down to my knees, I started to grope for any form of support. I found a few friends, and I was happy with what I had, but there were times when I wondered if loneliness would be better... if only loneliness wasn't what sparked my thoughts in the first place.

So I spent the rest of the year in limbo, swinging dangerously between moods, between thoughts, hanging on only with the hope that my decisions will finally lead me towards a life I can be truly happy with.

And so it ends. I look back at my resolutions and I wonder how to judge myself. Be happy, appreciate, live. I was happy. I did appreciate. I certainly lived.

But I can't say it lasted. And unfortunately, as much as I hate to admit it, I suppose that's how 2008 is going to end for me. Such a shame.

A dismal end to an otherwise memorable and historical year.