Hapless Halloween

So this has been one of the worst Fridays ever...

In fact, the only funny thing that happened today was that my roommate got spooked (or to be more specific, borderline-traumatized) at one or two in the morning because the box she was holding literally leapt off her lap (I saw), which sent us on a mousehunt for an hour (even though we know for sure that we have no mice). So now she's afraid of boxes. Oh, and we determined the scratching sounds in the walls must be a basilisk moving through the pipes. Yep.

And no, my dorm isn't haunted. That would be the fourth floor of Shelton Hall, down the road.

But then here's the bad news (and there's lots of it)...

Firstly, I stayed up doing physics (but of course that's nothing new).

Then I had to wake up at 8 because I had to be at a high school to administer a pretest for PHE. This wouldn't have been so much of a problem if a) I wasn't dead tired and b) I didn't miss the bus by less than a minute! Seriously, missing that bus set me back an entire half-an-hour, and much to my embarrassment I had to walk in late.

Then after my classes, I was in a frenzy trying to finish my physics homework that was just impossible for me this week. My intention was to finish the homework early so I could hang out with Izzy, but instead I stayed there working on it until 6 (by which point it was already dark and I had a slight headache).

So after finally finishing, I met Izzy and we decided to hop directly on the T to Salem. The train ride out of the city was sort of fun, but Salem was a madhouse. That is, we knew it was going to be busy, but there were lines to every restaurant, and people were already quite drunk. It was still early for the night, but we were so hungry that we just decided to leave.

Luckily, we got back to Boston at 10:40 or so, which was just enough time to eat at a restaurant before it closed. We ate at Fin's, a sushi place, and fortunately, because of it I could end my night on a good note.

But there's still people outside (thank you, big Kenmore frat party) who are screaming and being loud. Ugh, but they're not even as bad as the people at the T stations we passed; drunk, rude, and obnoxious, as the T honked incessantly at them to get out of the way, Izzy shouted:

God! We should just run them over!

Halloween just isn't our holiday.

Mid-Semester Crisis

So I just submitted my writing assignment. Yep, it's due at midnight. I totally forgot about it again, but yes, I got it done because I'm just THAT good.

Actually, that's complete BS. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but I just haven't been able to get things done.

My roommate has deemed it, "Mid-Semester Crisis." Apparently, she says she's getting lazy too and as of recent has been misplacing everything imaginable. As for me, I've just been eating and sleeping a lot, and I seriously haven't even been able to force myself to do work lately. What a pain.

On the other hand, I wonder if it's because I'm beginning to find friends here. On Friday, I went grocery shopping with Caca, Soos, and Izzy, and we picked up cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory on the way back too. When we got back to Caca's dorm kitchen, we microwave-cooked the pasta we had just bought and feasted on that for dinner.

On Saturday, I ate lunch with Saa and then went to Starbucks to study, although this proved counterproductive, at least for me. Afterward, I ate dinner with my roommate and then another friend came over. Then our neighbors from across the hall happened to come by and wanted to play Apples to Apples, so the eight of us did that before going to Late Night for food and heading back for the night.

Today, I studied with Saa again, but this time we went to the library so I was slightly more productive. After a few hours, Caca called me for dinner, and so I listened to her funny stories before coming back to my dorm and realizing that I had writing homework due.

And so it comes full circle... except I still have to finish reading for my writing class, and finish the reading for my Holocaust L&F class too.

... Yeah, I should probably get on that.

Achieving Normality

I totally shouldn't be blogging right now but whatever...

So firstly, I'd just like to report that I got back my physics midterm during discussion today, and alas, I did NOT fail! I got a 75, which was below average (80), but frankly, I could care less since I actually PASSED. Of course, both my professor and my TF found the need to point out that it was on the easy side (thereby popping my already tiny self-esteem bubble AGAIN), but nonetheless, I'm still quite ecstatic, especially because I apparently have a B in the course so far. Really! A B never even crossed my mind! (Maybe I won't lose my scholarship after all!)

So I basically have to maintain that now... hopefully it won't get harder from here.

In other news, I met with an advisor today for class registration. He ended up being a fantastic guy and the meeting went quite smoothly. So for next semester, I'm starting off on track to becoming an English major, while continuing physics (though at the most basic level possible), restarting French (from the beginning, as I wished), and taking a history class about catastrophe and memory for my honors program requirement (though it does seem very very interesting). I looked up reviews on ratemyprofessors.com and even blocked out my schedule, so I'm just hoping the actual registration goes smoothly and that I'll get everything I wish for.

It really is great though. I'm excited for life again. And hopefully this path won't lead to a dead end.

But even life right now, I've just been feeling pretty wonderful lately (aside from the fact that I'm procrastinating a lot and eating and sleeping like a bear). I'd also just like to make a petty point that I haven't eaten a meal alone since Monday afternoon, which at six consecutive meals is definitely a record for me. I know that sounds silly, but to me it signifies that I'm achieving the... normality I've always wanted. And maybe this sounds dumb but to me... that's like seeing rays of sunlight come through after a storm.

Sargent Center Retreat

So for my 200th post, I bring you news of my weekend. Behold:

Yes, this picture is legit.

So about 50 of us ventured up to New Hampshire this weekend to BU's Sargent Center, and I must say it was as exciting and fun as I thought it would be. After a two-hour bus ride or so, we finally arrived at the site. When we stepped off the bus, the crisp, untainted New England air filled our lungs. It was chilly, yes, but so clean, and we all took the opportunity to take in deep breaths. I looked around excitedly for I could see lots and lots of trees, and better yet, a large meadow of plain green grass (both simple luxuries I enjoyed at home but am completely deprived of here in Boston).

We were given a quick introduction from the very campy-looking Hutch (yes, that's his real name) and then directed to our heated cabins (which I was thankful for, since we hadn't been told where we were sleeping and I was prepared to rough it in a yurt or something in 29-degree New Hampshirian night weather). After that we trekked back to the main cabin, where another pleasant surprise awaited us. For lunch, instead of traditional, crappy campy food, we were served freshly-made baked ziti among other selections of "real" food. We also drank clean, natural water, said to be from the grounds of New Hampshire itself, and maybe his words had a psychological effect, but it really did taste fresh and pure.

Afterward, we went through several team-building activities. After playing many ice-breaker-type games, we split into three smaller groups and each did separate activities from there. My group was challenged to get everyone to swing across a mud pit from one small platform to an even smaller platform (without falling or stepping off at any time). Another noteworthy brainteaser [that I still detest] was this challenge to balance several nails on one (which as honors program students, we utterly failed to do). After that, the three groups rejoined and played different versions of tag. Then when those activities were completed, we were given time to do as we liked.

Izzy and Caca (who I knew prior to the trip from my writing and physics classes respectively) were with me and we decided to go canoeing. The lake was absolutely beautiful, and it was almost silent when we paddled out to the center of it. It also gave us time to really talk about things (ranging from silly girl talk to more serious social issues). But it was such a relaxing feeling to be out on the lake, and that short period of isolation was really quite soothing.

When it was time for dinner we paddled back to shore and went back to the lodge where we indulged in hot chocolate mixed with coffee (there was no hot water left, but it wasn't a bad idea). When dinner was served, it was delicious. Steak, rice, potatoes, it was all delicious (and somewhat sadly, much better than dining hall food--I mean seriously, steak??).

After dinner we all joined in on a drumming workshop, which is exactly what it sounds like. After being fanned with the scent of burning sage (or some kind of herb), we spent the night playing with various percussion instruments and being led around in a circle while chanting Native American tribal songs. Yes, it was actually a bit cultish to have everyone on the same page like that, but as the leader woman said, that feeling of unity did bring forth wonderful "energy" or something of that sort.

Afterward, we were led outside to a campfire site. During the drumming workshop, we were told to write down any wishes we had on cards, and these were then burned in the fire and therefore "released into nature so that they may come true in the spring" (I know, I know, but I just thought it was in good fun). Next we of course proceeded to roast marshmallows and tell "freshman-year stories." After all that was done, we went on a "night hike" (which was more like a short walk in the woods) and then gazed up at the stars as we returned to our cabin for the night.

On day 2, we ate breakfast (the traditional egg, toast, sausage, and potatoes meal) and then headed out to the ropes course which ended up being pretty awesome. It was something like "Project Adventure" in high school, except so much more... authentic (plus the zip line was the most awesome zip line I've ever been on). That took the whole morning though, so afterwards we had lunch (just sandwiches this time), headed back the cabin to pack, and boarded the bus back to Boston.

Can you see all the ropes?

So all in all, it was really fun. Socially, I got to meet a bunch of people, although I didn't quite fulfill my expectations as planned (I wanted to get to know everyone, but a lot of them knew each other from living together in the honors housing, so it was already a bit cliquey). But I'm fine with it. I got to spend time with Izzy, Caca, and some others, and I got the chance to get out of Boston again. It was a wonderful place and I had a wonderful time. What more could I have asked for?

Physics-Free Friday

Um... so this Friday has been the most fantastic Friday I've had here so far. And I'm not going to pretend not to know why.

So I had my physics midterm on Thursday, which went... okay. I studied Tuesday night and all day Wednesday--I know, I know, but I swear I tried my best. After it was over though, my physics friend (who I shall refer to as Caca) and I just went straight to the dining hall to get ice cream (with all those luscious toppings). That probably wasn't the best idea, since we ended up staying there for 2 hours and eating the entire time, but we felt like we deserved it. Plus Soos (another physics friend) found us while we were there and joined us.

The rest of the day passed with me being quite unproductive (though to be fair, I was trying to sleep off some "stomach" pains). When I woke from my nap, I wrote a perspective for the Daily Free Press and drew a cartoon. (Stay tuned next week for at least the latter.) I can't remember what I did after that, but I must have just procrastinated for another few hours until it was 1 AM. Then on a whim, I decided to check if I had writing homework, and I found out that I did (and by the way, my writing homework is always due at midnight). I sent it anyway though, and then finally decided to finish up my Holocaust L&F homework, which kept me awake until 4.

I know, I'm not the smartest person when it comes to starting things on time.

But today went well. Kirby came to visit me, and we had breakfast together. Then we sat on the BU Beach for a bit before I had to head to class. Both my classes were pretty funny today, but I was super-excited when they were both over. I literally sang out in joy at the fact that I was free at that very moment. (Because having a physics midterm means no homework for this week.)

No homework, no five o' clock deadline, no stress.

Just supreme bliss and the wonderful taste of freedom.

So Caca, Soos, and I made plans yesterday to go shopping, and to my delight, we were actually carrying through. So we walked to Newbury Street together and went window shopping mostly, but we got things at H&M (I splurged again on a jacket).

Then Caca had to go meet her boyfriend, so Soos and I were left alone to wander the streets. We stumbled across a place called Snappy Sushi, had an impulse to eat out, and both ordered Chirashi Don (slices of fish over sushi rice, one of my favorites). We savored every bite before walking around a bit more and then back.

When we got back to campus, we hung out in the her dorm building's "music room," which was really just this big open lounge with several tables, chairs, couches, a piano, and a big screen TV (which we utilized by watching 2 episodes of CSI: Miami).

And... I have to admit that's it. It's not a very eventful story, although this is the most fun I've had in a while. But I'm happy. Things are picking up I think. And best of all, this weekend has only just begun...

I'll be away in New Hampshire the next two days on a retreat. Caca is going, and so is a friend from my writing class, so I'm really excited. But I can't stop thinking about the people I get to meet and the things we'll be doing... Ah, I just can't wait!

Station Frustration

So the original plan was to go back to New York with my cousin. She usually finishes class at 5 on Fridays and my physics homework is due at 5 so I thought it would be perfect.

I talk to her Thursday night. She's attending the early lecture. She'll be done by 12. I, on the other hand, start class at 12. Considering the fact that I knew I would have work to do after class, I tell her to go home without me. No big deal though. I arrange to go home with a friend from my physics class who also has that 5 PM deadline.

Stupid physics.

We rush to finish the homework. As always. We know some answers are wrong but we don't care. We finish. And then, along with her roommate, we get out of there.

We leave Kenmore around 5:15. We're expecting to catch the 6 PM bus. No problem. Except my bag. My bag is too heavy. The books in my bag weigh me down. Especially that textbook.

Stupid physics.

I'm climbing up and down stairs. F equals mg, mg, mg with each step I take. Force times distance. Increased force. Long distances. I'm doing a lot of work.

Stupid physics.

We're rushing to catch trains. The door closes on my bag and me. Stupid bag. I hear the strap crack. I wonder how the tension is distributed. Ugh. No. Tension. I nearly fall over when the train accelerates. Acceleration. Force. Ugh. Stupid physics.

We arrive at South Station. The open area is obscured by an infinite number of meandering lines. We're shocked. Still, my friend presses through, searching for the right line. We stop and stare.

"We're not going home," I unknowingly foreshadowed.

A man on the line says that it's moving. We believe him and hop on line.

We move. Slowly, but not surely. We proceed up inch by inch. Minutes pass. Then hours. We still have hope that we'll make it home. One AM, two AM, our predictions get longer but we dare not speak that unspeakable line--that we won't make it home at all.

I see two more classmates from my physics class, maybe an hour after we arrived ourselves. They're going to NYC for fun. They already have tickets. They hop on the other line. We watch them merge into the mob and then disappear.

Three hours later. The other classmates were surely gone. But we're close! I can read the ticket booth sign. But the line isn't moving. It begins getting chaotic. I see four transit officers make their way through the mob.

Then they announce it. They're not selling anymore tickets. Three hours. And contrary to what I expected, I wasn't halfway to New York. Heck, I wasn't even on my way.

Angry, defeated, upset, I sit down and tears fill my eyes. I knew it would happen. I knew it. But I couldn't give up and leave the line. Not when I waited an hour, two hours, three hours. Three hours I wasted of my life. Three hours I spent stressed, tired, in pain.

My friend hands me a tissue to wipe my eyes. I didn't know I wanted to go home so badly. Or maybe I just couldn't believe I just went through that for nothing. (After all, that seems to be my ultimate fear in life.) After a few minutes, she notes that it's getting late and that we should head back. They take off. I get up reluctantly, haul my bag over my shoulder, and follow them out back to the T.

On the way back, we talked about what happened. We talked about what we were going to do. We scowled at their shitty business practices while we half-joked about how physics was the cause of all this misery... ugh, stupid physics.

But seriously... when it happened, I didn't even want to go home anymore. I was so upset. But my friend was still going back (her grandmother is in the hospital), and so I decided that I didn't really have a reason to complain and that I should go home too.

So for now, I'm still in Boston, in my dorm, alone, angry, sad. The plan though is to leave Kenmore at 5:15 AM and catch the 6:30 AM bus to Chinatown.

Whatever. As long as I'm back in New York by noon.

Prioritizing Life

So I've done a lot of thinking these past three or four weeks, more so last week than ever. I considered what my orientation advisor had told me on Monday. He briefed me on what my future would look like, as I asked him to. Then he gave me his opinion on the matter and told me to figure out what was most important to me, whether that be becoming a physics major, becoming premed, going through with the Honors Program, et cetera.

So I thanked him and began to think, and in the process of determining what was important to me, I went back maybe half a year ago or so to when I used to dream excitedly about what I wanted to get out of college in the first place. And I suddenly remembered how much I wanted to do. I wanted to study abroad, relearn French, make lots of friends, and most important, do what I love. And when I looked back to the present, I realized that I didn't and wouldn't have any of that if I kept going the way I was going.

As a premed, I'd have difficulty studying abroad, and I'd have limited time to take extra classes. Also, already, I've already been sacrificing much of my social life to get through physics. As a person to whom math does not come easily anymore, I can only expect that the path would get only worse from here. And I can only study so much before letting every potential friend pass me by, which isn't good for a person who needs friendships and love to feel alive.

And as my advisor explained, just because I enjoy physics doesn't mean I have to major in it. It already isn't a good sign that I'm struggling with calculus. And as a premed, my schedule would only get more hectic... culminating to taking 4 science classes simultaneously both semesters of my junior year. (They hardly recommend that you take more than 2...)

So my choice became obvious. I needed a drastic change, and I needed it now. Physics had to go. I might enjoy it, but I didn't love it, and contrary to how I originally felt, it's not considered quitting. I'd get through the class, exactly because I'm not a quitter, but I'm not going to continue with it because it is a weaknesses, and I can clearly see and admit that.

So part one is done. My affair with physics is over. But now, part two: determining what to do.

I considered forsaking science completely. But I could tell it was an impulsive move. I could tell that I was upset, upset that my first hopes here were crushed, upset that I am now thrown so off track that it seems difficult to salvage those other hopes. After all, I chose physics because I thought that I didn't want to do biology anymore, and I always hated chemistry. Could I really go through with premed like that? After all, I'm failing in a class I'm so willing to get myself through. How would I fare in a chemistry if I'm already so disinterested?

And didn't I want to do what I love? And what is that? What do I love? I love writing, but should I really major in English? Especially when I was never good at the other aspects of it either? But I wasn't good at math, and I was so willing to major in physics... Should I do it? Maybe I should, I thought.

Then I remembered receiving an e-mail earlier in the week about advising with the Associate Director of the Honors Program. Already feeling impulsive, but still hanging on to some logic, I sent her a quick e-mail and my appointment was set for Friday afternoon.

So I saw her. I told her my story. I waited for her to say those words.

"Major in English then" was what I wanted her to say. It would have been so easy. But no, instead...

"Well, I don't think you should give up science so easily."

She could tell I was being impulsive. Was that a good thing? As much as my decision to major in physics was a haphazard one, it was hardly impulsive. It had the most benefits... at least at first.

She told me I could branch out within biology. It wasn't the same as high school. And if I wanted, I could do a minor in English. Either way though, the question came down to how dedicated I was to the premed track.

"Fifty-fifty," I responded. She told me to think about it hard over the weekend. I had to try to change that, even if it's to a sixty-forty or seventy-thirty... I just had to decide which way I was going.

But for now I had a few things decided. She helped me identify calculus as my biggest problem. It was obviously my most stress-inducing class, I don't have confidence in the help I sought out so far (my tutor didn't show on Thursday), and it presents a tremendous threat to my GPA (which consequently threatens my Honors Program status and BU scholarship). In other words, it wasn't worth it, and she recommended I drop it before tomorrow's deadline.

But having that one problem solved erects another. Instead of the other premeds who will have chemistry and calculus under their belts by the end of this semester, I will have only physics, and a very bad grade in it at that. I've put myself behind a semester in math, and I don't even know where my science track is headed. I found a GPA calculator online as well, and I determined that in addition to scoring As in my humanities and writing classes, I must pull off at least a C in physics (the minimum for credit acceptance anyway) in order to maintain the 3.2 GPA I need (just to keep my scholarship, I don't even want to talk about med school).

And I feel so behind. I feel like I messed up my entire premed track already, and I'm doubting my abilities to perform well in classes like chemistry.

And so I wonder... I don't know if I want to be premed. All I know is that I don't want to repeat high school again... I don't want to work so hard and have it come to nothing at the end.