Prioritizing Life

So I've done a lot of thinking these past three or four weeks, more so last week than ever. I considered what my orientation advisor had told me on Monday. He briefed me on what my future would look like, as I asked him to. Then he gave me his opinion on the matter and told me to figure out what was most important to me, whether that be becoming a physics major, becoming premed, going through with the Honors Program, et cetera.

So I thanked him and began to think, and in the process of determining what was important to me, I went back maybe half a year ago or so to when I used to dream excitedly about what I wanted to get out of college in the first place. And I suddenly remembered how much I wanted to do. I wanted to study abroad, relearn French, make lots of friends, and most important, do what I love. And when I looked back to the present, I realized that I didn't and wouldn't have any of that if I kept going the way I was going.

As a premed, I'd have difficulty studying abroad, and I'd have limited time to take extra classes. Also, already, I've already been sacrificing much of my social life to get through physics. As a person to whom math does not come easily anymore, I can only expect that the path would get only worse from here. And I can only study so much before letting every potential friend pass me by, which isn't good for a person who needs friendships and love to feel alive.

And as my advisor explained, just because I enjoy physics doesn't mean I have to major in it. It already isn't a good sign that I'm struggling with calculus. And as a premed, my schedule would only get more hectic... culminating to taking 4 science classes simultaneously both semesters of my junior year. (They hardly recommend that you take more than 2...)

So my choice became obvious. I needed a drastic change, and I needed it now. Physics had to go. I might enjoy it, but I didn't love it, and contrary to how I originally felt, it's not considered quitting. I'd get through the class, exactly because I'm not a quitter, but I'm not going to continue with it because it is a weaknesses, and I can clearly see and admit that.

So part one is done. My affair with physics is over. But now, part two: determining what to do.

I considered forsaking science completely. But I could tell it was an impulsive move. I could tell that I was upset, upset that my first hopes here were crushed, upset that I am now thrown so off track that it seems difficult to salvage those other hopes. After all, I chose physics because I thought that I didn't want to do biology anymore, and I always hated chemistry. Could I really go through with premed like that? After all, I'm failing in a class I'm so willing to get myself through. How would I fare in a chemistry if I'm already so disinterested?

And didn't I want to do what I love? And what is that? What do I love? I love writing, but should I really major in English? Especially when I was never good at the other aspects of it either? But I wasn't good at math, and I was so willing to major in physics... Should I do it? Maybe I should, I thought.

Then I remembered receiving an e-mail earlier in the week about advising with the Associate Director of the Honors Program. Already feeling impulsive, but still hanging on to some logic, I sent her a quick e-mail and my appointment was set for Friday afternoon.

So I saw her. I told her my story. I waited for her to say those words.

"Major in English then" was what I wanted her to say. It would have been so easy. But no, instead...

"Well, I don't think you should give up science so easily."

She could tell I was being impulsive. Was that a good thing? As much as my decision to major in physics was a haphazard one, it was hardly impulsive. It had the most benefits... at least at first.

She told me I could branch out within biology. It wasn't the same as high school. And if I wanted, I could do a minor in English. Either way though, the question came down to how dedicated I was to the premed track.

"Fifty-fifty," I responded. She told me to think about it hard over the weekend. I had to try to change that, even if it's to a sixty-forty or seventy-thirty... I just had to decide which way I was going.

But for now I had a few things decided. She helped me identify calculus as my biggest problem. It was obviously my most stress-inducing class, I don't have confidence in the help I sought out so far (my tutor didn't show on Thursday), and it presents a tremendous threat to my GPA (which consequently threatens my Honors Program status and BU scholarship). In other words, it wasn't worth it, and she recommended I drop it before tomorrow's deadline.

But having that one problem solved erects another. Instead of the other premeds who will have chemistry and calculus under their belts by the end of this semester, I will have only physics, and a very bad grade in it at that. I've put myself behind a semester in math, and I don't even know where my science track is headed. I found a GPA calculator online as well, and I determined that in addition to scoring As in my humanities and writing classes, I must pull off at least a C in physics (the minimum for credit acceptance anyway) in order to maintain the 3.2 GPA I need (just to keep my scholarship, I don't even want to talk about med school).

And I feel so behind. I feel like I messed up my entire premed track already, and I'm doubting my abilities to perform well in classes like chemistry.

And so I wonder... I don't know if I want to be premed. All I know is that I don't want to repeat high school again... I don't want to work so hard and have it come to nothing at the end.