Bombardment

I was going to rant about Hillary-haters today and how absolutely ridiculous their claims are that she's the one dividing the Democratic party and making it easier for the Republicans to win. (First of all, it takes two to divide a group of people; Obama is just as guilty of dividing the party as she is, if she is. Second, even if people are simply rallying behind Obama because they hate Clinton, they're just demonstrating how completely ignorant they really are. It's a different matter to genuinely like a candidate better than another, but unless you hate both and must choose whom you hate less, you don't make a decision based on hatred. Third, are people really that stupid that they'll let McCain win if Hillary is elected as the Democratic nominee? They'll let all their beliefs regarding the war and the economy and everything else be ignored, just so Hillary doesn't win? The point of a democracy is so that people can choose competent leaders that reflect their views. Democrats need to get it out of their heads that Hillary is less electable, and learn that if Hillary does become the nominee, they must unite lest they be made easy targets for Republican domination.)

Sigh... I guess I ranted about it regardless. Anyway, since I've had a good amount of time to think and do what I want to do, I've been pondering particularly about what I'm doing (and not doing) with my life. I haven't practiced my presentation for the science competition I have coming up, I have been writing my short story (plus the other night I became momentarily bold enough to write and send a letter to the Editor of the NYTimes), and after watching a few episodes of Project Runway, I've been reminded of the fashion show I need to put together at the end of the year.

Sure, it's still early in the week. But for some reason, and though this isn't the first time, I've been wondering about what I really want to do with my life, even if it's just short-term. I've got my science research on one end of the spectrum and my responsibilities of my independent study in fashion and the National Art Honor Society on the other. Then cradled in my arms hidden is my desire to write, and I'm writing and wondering if really that's all I want to do. I remember when there was a time I wanted to become a teacher (preferably physics) so I could have the free time to do all I wanted, yet at the moment I'm planning to continue research and major in biology and pursue medicine. And I'm perfectly aware that I might not have as much free time as I want if that proposed path does become real.

But right now, I'm being prodded towards disarray, and I'm already beginning to feel the strong pull of its deadly whirlpool. The point is that I don't know what I'm doing with my time and my life. I first and foremost want to write, but my science presentation constantly lingers in the back of my mind, and I'm wondering if I should be using this time to start making dresses for the fashion show.

And writing hasn't gotten me anywhere, partially because it's for my own recreation and relief, but it's the one thing I've been doing and the one thing I really don't need to do. My presentation on the other hand is gradually being forgotten in depths of my mind, though the competition is next Friday and I'd really like to do well because this was the only competition that accepted me into the next round. As for fashion, I really wouldn't be giving a damn right now, but I've come across some unpleasant surprise in my plans. I don't know why I care in the first place since I'm not even planning to major in art and I believe this to be my last service to the Art Honor Society, but I do care, and it's bothering the hell out of me.

See, the other day I was informed that a group of juniors were planning a fashion show for their own purposes and asked the Art Department for help. My advisor, in turn, asked me, and now they're under the impression that I was to help them with their fashion show.

Not bloody likely.

I'd rather die. And I'm not being unreasonable (only somewhat). I'm just not keen on the idea that a group of incompetent, dilly-dallying girls are going to take credit for my ideas and my hard work. Maybe if we were actually friends I wouldn't mind, but there is no way in hell I can cooperate with a bunch of girls with shady reputations.

"Yeah, we tried calling all these stores, but they said no."

"I'm planning to call Estelle's."

"Oh, you want to do that and let us know?"

Shit. Like I'm going to let them take credit for all of this. Like I'm going to let them take credit for my work, my ideas, all the mass revisions I know I'm going to have to do if I let them plan it out. This project was supposed to be under my wing, and I intend to keep it that way.

But I have so many things to do as it is, so many things I have to do, and so many things I want to do. And I don't have any plans right now on how to do them all.

And I'm just worried because I'm afraid (and I know) that if I spread my energies out too thin, I won't get anything rewarding out of it in the end.