A Few Pointers on Being a Complete Ass

You know, I thought it strange that this past year I didn't really find anything ridiculous to blog about. But maybe that was it--I was in Boston, likely one of the most liberal cities in one of the most liberal states. The only crap I had to deal with were Greenpeace treehuggers blocking my path and chasing me down the sidewalk as I'm on my way to class or back home. But in retrospect, they weren't that bad. They weren't malicious. Not like the people I forgot I had to deal with here back home on the so-called traditional Republican stronghold of Long Island.

So I was at Costco with the parents just now and there I encountered the biggest asshole I've seen in a while...

Step 1 - Drive a Hummer. (BONUS POINTS if you make it red.)

Really? You found it necessary to spend X amount of money on an obnoxiously large vehicle that does nothing but piss people off and harm the environment? I'm not telling you to get a hybrid, but come on. And nothing screams the need for attention than getting one in a cherry red color. Well, whatever you're trying to do to show off, it's not working because all I see is stupidity on your part. (Have fun fueling up this summer!)

I'm sorry. Perhaps that seems uncalled for unjustified. I'm sure not everyone who drives a ginormous [red] Hummer is completely selfish and stupid. Let's move on.

Step 2 - Drive that Hummer badly.

Shall we define "driving badly"? How about: driving with a complete disregard for the rules of the road and those around you. I was approaching a stop sign in the parking lot when suddenly he (as in that same guy) turns left from the perpendicular street and cuts into my lane. Fortunately I was going slow and letting pedestrians pass, so I had not yet reached the stop sign when he decided to haphazardly come barrelling down the road. But whatever, I thought that would be the last I saw of him.

Step 3 - Think you're better than everyone else.

There was a Hispanic family beside us as we were leaving. To get our receipts checked, they moved to one person as we moved to the other. Suddenly I here a slow, disgruntled voice say, "So that's it? You walked faster than me just so you could get ahead of me?" I turned to my side and saw a large, redneck-esque man with a disheveled gray moustache, his beady little eyes locked on the family ahead of him. The father of the family turned around with a confused look on his face and of course said, "I don't know what you're talking about," to which the other man so ingeniously responded, "Yeah, I think you do." I stood there and watched with an incredulous look on my face. Racist bastard.

Step 4 - And care only for yourself.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I saw the same guy leave his cart behind someone else's car and climb into his--you guessed it!--big red Hummer. (It's funny when things come around full circle, no?) What a total and complete asshole.

Oh well. I trust karma to come and send a nice flying kick up his ass.

And there we go!