Ambition
"Nah, I'm only gonna go to Suffolk fo' two years. Then I'm gonna transfer to Queens College 'cause their child psych program is crazy. Then I'm gonna go to grad school to get my Ph.D. in child psychology. Damn, that's a lot of schooling. Ten years of schooling! But ya know what? It'll be worth it in the end. You'll be reading my books one day!"
...Said the girl who ten years ago was possibly my closest friend.
Not to me though. No, she wasn't speaking to me. I was just listening. We don't talk anymore. We haven't since then. Nothing happened. We just never ran into each other. Elementary school passed. Intermediate school passed. And then in middle school, when we started differentiating, I was ushered forward with the select as she remained behind in a place I didn't know or cared for. Now high school. Almost ending. Still nothing. It was books and sports and music and arts for me. Maybe some drugs and drinking for her, but of course I couldn't prove that. That was just an assumption based on appearance and stereotype. Not that I think I'm wrong though.
Still, I smiled, and it was a nice, genuine smile. It was nice hearing "someone like her" say that. It was a nice thought thinking that I was wrong and "these people" actually had hopes to follow, dreams to pursue, that they weren't just going to become drug addicts and booze hounds and pop out babies every couple years. It was nice hearing that someone, anyone, had that fire burning within them, that flame named ambition.
But perhaps the real reason why I smiled was because there's nothing. When I peer inside myself, it's empty. And I can't comprehend it. I'm not filthy rich like some of my peers, but I admit that I've lived a rather privileged existence. While I've been raised to be frugal, I've never had to struggle to pay for something. While I've been honed to be a good student, I've never really studied as hard as some of my classmates do. Most important, I more than not feel happy, healthy, and loved. In other words, I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world, for it seems that I've had few barriers in my life from keeping me from doing what I want to do. But the problem is... what do I want to do?
Perhaps it is human nature to want that which appears impossible to achieve. Growing up in large but poor families, both my parents worked hard to achieve what they have achieved today, a rather wondrous existence I undeservedly had the fortune to take part in. And I wonder, had I grown up with monetary problems, with lesser learning capabilities, with less potential, with less opportunity, whether I too would have that flame burn within me, that desire to achieve and leap from the lowly rung of the social ladder I was born on. But alas, I was lucky enough to be born on a higher rung, not the highest but still closer to the top, although I can't seem to motivate myself to move upward despite everything. Knowing that everything is possible... perhaps takes the appeal out of aiming for that now listless sky.
And sometimes I wonder if it's better to be born without certain things. Because even if I could have everything, without ambition, it means nothing in the end.
Dreams are worthless without the drive.
...Said the girl who ten years ago was possibly my closest friend.
Not to me though. No, she wasn't speaking to me. I was just listening. We don't talk anymore. We haven't since then. Nothing happened. We just never ran into each other. Elementary school passed. Intermediate school passed. And then in middle school, when we started differentiating, I was ushered forward with the select as she remained behind in a place I didn't know or cared for. Now high school. Almost ending. Still nothing. It was books and sports and music and arts for me. Maybe some drugs and drinking for her, but of course I couldn't prove that. That was just an assumption based on appearance and stereotype. Not that I think I'm wrong though.
Still, I smiled, and it was a nice, genuine smile. It was nice hearing "someone like her" say that. It was a nice thought thinking that I was wrong and "these people" actually had hopes to follow, dreams to pursue, that they weren't just going to become drug addicts and booze hounds and pop out babies every couple years. It was nice hearing that someone, anyone, had that fire burning within them, that flame named ambition.
But perhaps the real reason why I smiled was because there's nothing. When I peer inside myself, it's empty. And I can't comprehend it. I'm not filthy rich like some of my peers, but I admit that I've lived a rather privileged existence. While I've been raised to be frugal, I've never had to struggle to pay for something. While I've been honed to be a good student, I've never really studied as hard as some of my classmates do. Most important, I more than not feel happy, healthy, and loved. In other words, I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world, for it seems that I've had few barriers in my life from keeping me from doing what I want to do. But the problem is... what do I want to do?
Perhaps it is human nature to want that which appears impossible to achieve. Growing up in large but poor families, both my parents worked hard to achieve what they have achieved today, a rather wondrous existence I undeservedly had the fortune to take part in. And I wonder, had I grown up with monetary problems, with lesser learning capabilities, with less potential, with less opportunity, whether I too would have that flame burn within me, that desire to achieve and leap from the lowly rung of the social ladder I was born on. But alas, I was lucky enough to be born on a higher rung, not the highest but still closer to the top, although I can't seem to motivate myself to move upward despite everything. Knowing that everything is possible... perhaps takes the appeal out of aiming for that now listless sky.
And sometimes I wonder if it's better to be born without certain things. Because even if I could have everything, without ambition, it means nothing in the end.
Dreams are worthless without the drive.
prism:
raindrops (thoughts)
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