April Fool

I think I know why colleges tried to give out decisions yesterday instead of today.

ArtsyFartsyFriend (AFF): Oh... guess what...
Me: What?
AFF: [Solemnly.] I got rejected from RISD (her top choice school).
Me: Oh no! [Throws myself forward to hug her.] It's okay! It's okay!
AFF: April FOOLS'!
Me: What? Oh my god, you got in? [Throws myself forward again and shakes her violently.] CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you!
AFF: No, I didn't hear back yet. I find out today.

Biiiitch.

But seriously now, I just can't help but find the irony in the situation.

I worked so hard the past four years and I couldn't even get into one of my top choice schools. In fact, my fellow classmates (AKA the "honors students") all suffered the same fate, and were waitlisted or straight out denied from the Ivies and other top-tier schools. What makes things even more bloody hilarious is that despite the number of students going to Ivies this year from this graduating class, I believe they're all going on SPORTS SCHOLARSHIPS (and that said, I would say only one of them really deserves to go on an academic standpoint... but isn't that the standpoint that should be used anyway?).

Honestly... who knew such a stressful, burdensome high school career would end so shittily. It's not to say I'm not grateful for the options I have from BU and Bing, but who the hell works so hard to end up in a place they could have been without forsaking various things and making several sacrifices. Scholarships are nice, but what's an amount of money compared to a few extra years of life I probably don't have anymore due to my stress levels and unhealthy sleeping patterns?

And it's times like this when I wonder if I've truly made the right decisions in life. In planning for my future, I ultimately forsook the present, and suffered as a result. That's not to say I don't have any good memories or that I'm not grateful for all the friendships I have or had with people, but sometimes I wonder if I should have pursued what I wanted in life instead of what I thought was right at the time.

Albeit, I don't know what I want in life. I don't know, and that's the one thing I do know. Ironically, as my friend's juicebox happened to quote from Seneca (I know, weird), "If a man does not know to what port he is steering, no wind is favorable to him."

And I planned to bring this problem with me to college. I applied to liberal arts schools that were strong in the sciences but had writing outlets. But ultimately, as I realize now, my decisions were ranked based on the quality of these writing outlets. Penn was my first choice not only because I like Philly and love Benjamin Franklin, but because the prestigious Kelly Writers House was on campus. And I imagined, hoped, dreamed of myself sitting on its couches, clicking away at a laptop, writing, writing, writing away in the security of that quaint house sheltered in shade.

Yet of course that won't be. And now I've been relegated to a city and town I don't love per se, yet I'm not basing my decision on anything that came to mind before. Sure, it seems logical to take into account money, the number of opportunities I'll have (such as getting early placement in a lab), and the prestigiousness of the programs. But at the same time, if scholarships lessened the money issue, if I perhaps don't even want to enter med school, and if perhaps despite the prestigiousness I'm not happy with where I am, would I not be making the worst decision of my life? And where does the writing factor in? Of course I'll write no matter what, but where will it blossom and where could it potentially fail? Where can I grow as a writer?

Is that the logical thing to do? My high school career was the logical thing to do, and look where it got me. What is logic anyway? What is logical? Or instead, should I rely more on impulse, that innate urge nature instilled all humans with, our initial method of survival?

Is it okay to listen to my heart, if I can relocate the beat I've suppressed for so many years? If ignoring my own feelings made me feel this way now, then maybe listening to them will lead me to a better ending. Maybe listening to them will lead me to the success I was never able to obtain from my years in science and research.

And in the end, I was a fool to think I could compete with the country's brightest minds. I was a fool to think I could compete with the great minds of my own class. I was a fool to think I could beat the alumni/legacy/connections/money/sports system. I was a fool to think I could get into Penn. I was a fool to ever wear their red and blue. I was a fool to do what I realized I no longer wanted to do. I was a fool to never do what I actually wanted to do.

Today's the day. And I'm nothing but that.